Trust In Truth

subversion

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:46:55 GMT

I seem to find myself writing here when i'm at some obstacle barring me from a smooth path.

today it is in the feeling of anxiety i have washing over me at moments when i think of the dilemmas i need to find solutions to. im starting to believe my patience is wearing thin.

what dilemmas? well as i've mentioned before we were supposed be moved into a permanent living situation - a house in sacramento. yet since the economy is a fickle machination, his parents were surprised by the uprise in price and are now offering like playing at the slots.

At this moment, we have no solid place when the lease on fountain circle ends - this gives us technically until weds or thurs to secure another situation and/or storage. BAH! I have also been slapped in the face with discourtesy on sunday when someone we were to meet and had set an appointment with bailed and didn't even have the decency to email us back and cancel the appointment. Really people?? is it so hard to end transactions properly or has our culture subverted so deeply that politeness and courtesy are figments of an imagination no longer a part of this contemporary present. This is the second time and makes me mark a point against the users of craigslist.

Im so disappointed because i feel like theres all these things happening and i'm alone again. I've been searching for places...but i feel like i should be going out (Except he doesn't think so)...and then theres work.

I worked at the bookstore last week and lapsed back into it like a routine. yet im only going to be a part of it as a rush cashier :( therefore a shift here or there is not going to be enough for anything (until the fall begins when i could hope for more hours.) Job hunting is such a chore that just online looking is exhausting, my hunt will have to expand to driving (im kinda trying to save my gas LOL)

and i sigh.

because i lie here and my mind is desiring an outlet -to scream to rant to cry...but i won't because those behaviors are so useless

all i want is something solid, something that i know is there and that im secure in...a place for the next few months, a house, my dogs, my parents...

not having a place is preventing me from going home this last part of the month,

to move beyond//

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:56:44 GMT

It is eerie reading The Fountainhead. it encompasses almost all the fears and thoughts i have had about this generation we're living in ... is there really growth? will we always follow traditions that places norms on the way we see things?? can anyone move past what they've been taught and expand? on the smaller scale i feel like that has happened to me and only the few who've i discussed it with would understand what im talking about...

what is this idea of tradition? the definition of tradition is "to pass things down"... but people take it so literally and ALWAYS follow it to the letter. that is what FRUSTRATES me. "Oh we've always done it this way." What an unlucky thought to cross my thoughts when i hear these seven words. IT doesn't HAVE to be that way, or any way for that matter.

In the book i'm reading, it brings me so much annoyance at people who have one ideal, one paradigm, one SUPERIOR belief. Where they believe there is no room for one who's mind is beyond what is considered normal and appropriate...their hope is for that budding mind to suffocate...

what i like about this book is that it reminds me of all the people of HISTORY who have become our traditions...Yet i don't understand why people fail to see that those who have become our traditions didn't have traditions to follow...SO why destroy a person's dream of being different after these traditions?? They might well become the new traditions...On the micro-level, I feel like i've been through that experience, but i just didn't have enough confidence to execute...BUT i do know now that i would never quit the way i did about something i can feel so strongly about, i should never have let those voices of traditions put me down.

TO me, what is most important about learning about the past is to LEARN FROM IT, TO EXPAND IT, TO INFLATE IT TO GREAT HEIGHTS, TO BE PASSIONATE, TO INFUSE PASSION AND MEANING IN EVERYTHING. it just feels like everyone around me has failed to achieve even the simplest thing as learning and expanding. save for a few, i have yet to meet all the intelligent minds i feel vibes from...

sometimes it's just too uncertain about what people really want out of life...they can't make up their own minds, they run in packs, they look like everyone else, they do things cause other people do them, and we are again stuck in the same predicament.

i know i have made plenty of mistakes and missteps over the past 2 years, but it isn't like i'm not learning from it and growing and LOOKING TO THE FUTURE...i want to be better, and achieve.

Just the other night, i had a dream where i changed clothes with some popular figure of some amount of fame, we were laughing and talking and all of sudden we switched places, i somehow slipped off my clothes and was magically in her dress....i felt pride and excitement at being presented but i realized that it wasn't me they cheered for...then i said to myself, "why would i want to be someone else when i'm just as capable as doing what someone else has done?" ...then there was some momentous feeling that i can't really describe after that revelation.

for the people out there who read this, if any, you probably occasionally think about making a change in the world. Be the change you wish to see in the world (regards to the famous individual who spawned this saying) BUT do not forget to move beyond the conventional...don't care about being outlandish, eccentric, strange, unique...your imagination can only run so wild, but the pure genius comes from merging those great thoughts and taming them without losing its spirit...

how do you think we have skyscrapers and hoover boats? someone dared to dream and didn't let anyone stop them...

pshh look at kanye west...someone probably said he'd turn out to be someone up to no good because he didn't attend college...look at him now...

i am a book fiend

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 00:58:23 GMT

...and bookmooch.com has only made me more so.

BOOKMOOCH>>

the greatest place to swap books :) - whether they be classics, romance novels, suspense, plays, magazines, etc etc etc. I absolutely love that site, and i never really had a favorite go-to site in my life, besides my addiction to playing those blasted games (bejeweled, diner dash, and neopets FML). AND i get it from my mama. *Sigh*

thanks to my mom, this love of reading is quickly becoming a nuisance >_< i have books strewn all over my room, books stuffed here and there...and when i see a used book store...I GO CRAZY! my latest endeavor --> the green apple on clement in SF. For the 3 minutes that Vic let me browse, I found Phillipa Gregory's The Constant Princess for 2$...ha! It took me a day and a morning to finish it and wasn't a bit guilty. I would've been guilty if i indulged myself that one day i was at borders itching to buy the book.BUT PATIENCE is awesome :)

It's like a slow-forming disorder...my constant lookout for books for a bargain, books for instant gratification, and books to add to my "collection" ... ahh just two weeks ago i splurged and bought 3 books from GreenEarthBooks on half.com because it was easier than waiting at bookmooch. (The Tao of Pooh, The prophet, and Sophie's world) because they were only 0.75 cents...3 books for the price of one!!! (my total being 12$) it like made me the happiest to receive those books.

Do you want to know why i read? Mm i don't even know if that's even easy to explain...Maybe if i give you a couple of books for examples and perhaps you can understand a bit more about me...

First of all what do i like to read? well...this is my priority list>> Classics, Romance, and fiction...those main three categories...i occasionally venture but these just hold much more of my interest...

I started loving to read classics because of all my AP English teachers...Props to Mz. Garcia, Mrs. Rose, and Mrs. Hall...Without them, i would never have read Frankenstein, Moll Flanders, Peter Pan, Hamlet, Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, .etc. and have all the nitty gritty ways to go about reading a classic. All the underlines, inbetweens, and whims were far beyond my reach until i was settled into those classes. I mean i used to think reading was just reading stories, but hey theres actually more to learn...

My second infatuation is romance novels, and i really don't have to justify to anyone why i read "soft porn", "smut", or whatever people negatively call it. Risa would agree with me when i say that reading the ROMANCE involves the emotions invoked by the stories...I mean if you ever have the time, i'd recommend Jude Deveraux's Heiress <-- what the eff, it's like the story of aladdin's JAzmine but with all sorts of characters. It's interesting! BUT i absolutely abhor harlequin romances...so short there's no character development at all, it's like eating dry wall and thinking that because it looked good it would taste even better...I think romance novels kinda ruin it in terms of looking for love because it could build up expectation about the sort of romance you want to be swept away in...but the stories are always the best...

Fiction..hands down, i got nothing to say about this. LOL

Im just fascinated by all the worlds created, the situations, the lessons, the deviousnous, the tragedy, the heartbreak, the simpleness, the imagination...

Bookmooch is the place to go when you have books you dont want and dont want to spend time trying to sell on half.com or amazon.com...might as well trade for what you want to read!! sometimes you get lucky :)

currently tackling Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

smallmariebiscuits

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:38:17 GMT

�So far this past week has been very productive. I've accomplished about 80% of my fitness goals, studied when i needed to , and even disciplined myself to staying on course (because as you must know i'm apparently simple-minded).

� I've gained about 20 more lbs. than i should be, 10 of which vic labels me as overweight, BUT I am determined to lose all the chocolate (all the tid bits i've sneaked in despite my guilty conscience), sushi and korean bbq buffets, cache creek buffet, kettle corn, burritos, greasy chinese food during lunch specials, mcdonalds, the single cheesy double burrito from taco bell, the yang chow fried rice at hiep pho, and all the other junk that i've consumed in the past 5 months that have summed up in all this extra weight! Not to say i didn't enjoy one minute of indulging myself in all the goodness but I have learned my lesson of being gluttonous (bah! who's to say i still won't end up on that level of hell?). I have repented and really trying to adhere to a strict healthy diet full of smaller portions and exercise (goddamn i miss my high school athletic body) because in the long run, i really need to control my asthma. As an aside, what would happen to me if the world ended? i'd prolly be the first to go because i can't run away from dust storms and the living dead. it's an amusing thought.

�anyway! to my dismay losing this weight will be tough because my metabolism has been on the run for awhile and whipping it back into shape (that seems a bit violent) will take time, discipline, and constant reminders. I'm envious of my friends who don't indulge like I do LOL. but hey! it's a good experience being a bit chubby..makes me realize that i'm not meant to be a big girl.

-- anyways now i remember how much fun it was to be fit because i felt like i could do anything and my body could follow suit!

�moving on, i've had to kill the voice in me screaming for junk food and chocolate (oh especially chocolate!!!) and have thrown myself into my summer classes. It's so much easier to focus all that energy and desire in accomplishing my goals of attending class and jumpstarting that critical vein of thinking and analysis (alas i know i will never be cut out to be a busy bickson, the birthright of many californians ~ if any of you have read the tao of pooh)

right now i'm taking WMS 50 and CMN 102. my first midterm is next tuesday and the monday after. ARG. i'm going home july 8th (so if anyone wants to hang out ;) ) and my test is that monday! bah...Oh well i really need to get good grades this summer session just to feel good :)

MOVING is a joke. i've been trying to get ready but haven't accomplished much. we also don't have a place to temporarly put up yet either :(. but my parent's are lending the expedition to me (i've asked for a month and that i'd bring it back) SOOO yay i can technically go anywhere i want now, but ha i won't cause i'm going green. i will conserve gas...FUCK the rising gas prices because its summer.

Anyways I'm not excited for the end of this year. TOO MUCH to think about...I would like to go with th eflow and not worry about it so much but i have to be concerned. my parents want me back home, to work at the hospital as a student asst., and help them out. BUT what good does that do for my future? I'm in need of an outlet to save me from that predicament. I know that i should go home and take care of my parents because i want to spend precious moments with them because they are getting older (ahh if only they could have a philosophy of mind of being eternally youthful, their lives would be prolonged by so much) HOPEFULLY everything falls into place and my parents don't think i'm leaving them too early.

i am promised to travel to colorado :) i am excited to see my best friend graduate in december!!! woot woot. and perhaps we'll be going to hawaii in january (which i would prefer because it would be cheaper!) I just need a job or stroke of luck to get me there :P

ahh! i want to continue writing but i need to study for my exams :(

love!

you know what really scrambles my eggs?

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:16:11 GMT

>> So i've thought about it, and i shouldn't feel bad. I've been doing my thing for the past how many years, and letting someone else's feelings get in the way hinders, not help me.

I know that i've been MIA from San Diego for a long time...opting to spend time with my sorority sisters over going home, or bringing vic along to SD for vacations/weekends, or not spending anytime catching up with friends on the phone (which seems like im ignoring you or forgetting about you) ... but hello?! There are so many things right now that keep me busy and even absent minded sometimes that lately i just don't think.

Don't get me wrong if i haven't called you when i'm back home, or i i've spent time working on something when i should be spending time with you, or whatever...it's taken me time to figure out things...and my priorities have been mixed up but it gives no one the right to try and put me down for what i do.

and i guess i've been through some sort of identity journey. that is one of the most important things to me because i want to do something about those feelings of unease...

when i'm done with school, i plan to catch up with people i care about. but i also want to progress with my career goals. soo i still won't be done with school! i'll be going to school until i finish my post-bac.

so please let me breathe and stop crowding my style... this is why i impulsively choose ...and that leads to error or mistake in judgment :P

first day of summer session

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:06:31 GMT

The weather is simply...sunny and warm. i'm a bit skeptical because summer's full heat hasn't fully reigned yet...if you've never been in davis during the summer it absolutely sucks.

� My first class of the day --> Women's Studies 50 - Introduction to Women and Gender Studies with Professor Nettles. Ideally, this is a great class because as a woman myself i'm curious about what is feminism, what is women's studies...it's a whole new world to me because i've stayed away because i've always believed it wasn't time for me to learn about it ... yet after the first class i regret not taking this introductory class as one of the first classes at the beginning of my studies at uc davis.

its too soon to tell if i'll really like it or if i'll do well (which i'm banking on doing superb no matter what) but i'm enthusiastic and excited about it. i feel like i might no contribute to discussion but since women's studies encourages intersectionality, i'm all for it.

it also made me realize how sparse an organization can be if there framework is built with a system that is blinded to its potential. whether their scared to venture beyond what is tradition or what is beyond me.. the manuals they've written are as empty as my notebooks i used last quarter...3 or 4 pages with things...the rest garbage.

here i am sitting at the arc lounge area, listening to the sound of muffled rock music and the sounds of people dragging their feet.

i always wonder what has happened to me and the little things? it's like i've lost touch with that and no longer want to spare time for the details. my pleasure in wondering about the strokes and brushes of the picture of life elude me...i still take the same pleasure with paintings but maybe it's me fearing to lose the bigger picture and getting lost in all the good stuff...

snapping back to reality... oh i am such an individual easily distracted...

BUT i need to think about my future...

As soon as possible i will be applying to CSU Sacramento for a post-bac program in health sciences. Since my Calvet fee waiver lasts til the age of 26, i might as well take advantage of the opportunity...it might set me back in terms of student loans and what not but i believe i was meant to work in the hospital setting. if i can't become a doctor i might as well be someone just as important to the health system. my objective for this summer is to research and develop a sense of achievement and goal to work towards as well as build a network that can support me and guide me. not many people know what i want to accomplish in life, and for a year or two i was going with the flow...but how can i expose myself to opportunities if i am stuck in the same flow? change is consciously made and you need to push forward.

this is my plan. a plan that i need to learn how to achieve the results i want.

another year or two of school...done! just need to do something in the mean. it's going to be weird going back to a state school (im so used to the computer labs and crap at UCD) at least i'll still be able to use my ID card :)

-----------

The possibility of stepping into a higher plane is quite real for everyone. It requires no force or effort or sacrifice. It involves little more than changing our ideas about what is normal.�

- deepak chopra

yet again...

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 05:44:32 GMT

i will not attribute it to my monthly visitor. i refuse. yet during this time of the month it makes the things i abhor, dislike, and disdain become more apparent, more pronounced. only now do i make it acquire a presence. my only thought being that the more it is left unsaid and misunderstood, the deeper the chasm divides what i believe is doing good and what i believe is good for me. sometimes i'm left speechless, not at a loss of words, but muted by other's expectations.

someone once told me that expectations are nothing, only guidelines, nothing more. to follow them would be folly and a dissipation of the genuine soul. once given in to expectations, then everyone else comes before you. at the end of the line you are put. how i've managed to demote myself..is hard...to admit ...because i've slacked off and let my disposition not reflect in my image.

i'm like a box...colorful, imaginable, enthuasiastic within...but on the outside...i've somehow managed to keep a presentation of a normal mundane brown box...a slash of black here and there to represent being used and tape here and there to show i've moved...but no one ever gets to the inside of me...because they never look past what their eyes tell them.

i've thought about it...and i've neglected my faith for too long. i say this because as a person i don't see achievement. and of what i said earlier it's something bothering me so much i need to let it out. i need to reflect on my faith again to gain the strength i need, and not run on reserves again :P

curious to what i believe in? i don't even really think it matters if i put a name to it because what i believe in is so many things put together , the blend is too rich to ignore.

do i believe in god? certainly. as a roman catholic i was raised to believe in jesus christ, all mighty savior. god, the almighty being. this is probably against the written faith, but to me god isn't above me in the heavens as everyone is to believe because a simple book built on narratives told them so.

god is within me...and everyone else around me. he is the life, the soul, the blood giving me pulse and thought. the tiny molecules and particles that create me. that is who i believe god is. neither he or she nor separate being. they were right in saying your body is a temple because it's where god is. god is your temple of worship, to whom you pray.

dont think i'm intolerant of true believers. i respect everyone's religious beliefs...what i don't tolerate is people of faith who force their opinions of faith on others - whether through attempting to convert them or plain speaking out against someone's religions. this is why when i think of all the quarreling between religions its fuckin ridiculous. look at the holy ground in the fertile cresent, its being wasted because they want to control dirt and rock for two different saviours. but i understand why theyre so adamant to keep it...it makes sense to fight for what you believe but sometimes people can never reach that understanding. they quarrel as stubborn cheating wives...

today i finished reading "the constant princess" and there was a part about her struggling with what she was raised to believe and what is true. moors, sworn mortal enemies to the spanish, stereotyped to be barbaric and savage. their muslim belief not tolerated. then she realized that they were being punished for pushing forward and not having the same exact beliefs, when in TRUTH they did believe. just because it's a different god doesnt mean they don't have faith. the moor doctor commented, they both had god in common, it didnt matter the name, they should be fighting against the unbelievers, those without faith (i dont agree with that but it makes sense)...omg why punish polytheists for their gods? they believe them so what?

GOD is a name given to one's beliefs. saint to confess to...Most people need god to look up to because it restores faith within them.

what i hate is people too weak to form their own faith in themselves...suckered into going into conventions to listen to speakers they believe care about god and truly want to inspire faith and spirituality. people are too ignorant and too absorbed to believe those individuals would do harm...didn't you know they get paid >$$$ to speak?! to sway their audiences?! do you even know what they do with the money you drop in the til?!

its psychology. they want you to feel a bit guilty if you cant keep the church going.

BUT i understand...you need the security. the sense of belonging. the sense that god hears your prayers and song. the sense you are living life, your destiny...which was planned for you from the start.

.............

ahhh but faith isn't my problem. being a good diplomat is my dilemma, and i fear the first steps i take lead me to danger of conflict...i shouldnt believe i have any obstacles...but i do and thats something i need to work on...

anyways my heart bleeds on my sleeve... he doesn't take notice.

I gotta find me another way
Cause I don�t wanna stay another day
Time for a change in my mind
I�v opened my eyes I�m changing my life
And now I�m gonna live my life for me
Cause this aint how it�s supposed to be
No more standing in the back of the line
Cause I�m invisible for the last time

__jenniferhudson//invisible

:(

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 19:29:05 GMT

Sorry everyone :( i know i said i was going to come home for the week inbetween the end of last quarter and the start of summer session but i am not able to due to some unfortunate inconveniences :P its not like i don't want to come home :( i want to play in the waves and sd sun, hang out with everyone and remisnisce about high school and talk about the future, i want to go gamble with my parents even tho i lose, and i just want to loaf around like a regular socal girl does when shes home...

and that's why my <3 is breaking...

I am trying to shoot for coming down for july fourth weekend, so if youre home in SD come out and play with me!!! i miss everyone so much my heart is near breaking, no lie. I'll be graduating this fall so hopefully i get reprieve to spend time with all the people i consider a part of my extended family!!

shoutout to: risa, jenny, gizelle, paula, shana, dan, joy, remel and the guys, and everyonee i'm forgetting because my mind is all over the place right now...

i genuinely feel lost because this is the point in my life where i'm busting my ass to beef up my resume, experience, etc etc...BUT i did learn some valuable stuff last quarter in my technical writing class, which im so happy i busted my ass for...WHEW I GOT A B in that class, even though i was shooting for an A. I found out that the aggie job link was different from the student employmeny, so now im happily looking up internships and jobs that i might fit in...

all i need is to beef up my network...except my phone is completely dead and useless...ugh.

So p* i made my goal with 2/3's of my classes. LOL...

anyways tomorrow vic and i are participating in the David Clay Diamond Dash 2009, which is a treasure hunt for a 15000$ ring hidden somewhere in SF. it's going to be fun but i want to get a haircut today and buy some shoes since all i have are my vans which are killing my feet! i dont even know if vic will even remember that he promised me...

lately i dont even care anymore if he makes me a promise, sometimes he doesn't even keep them :(

therefore im dying because i have two more days before i can go back to davis and let my soul roam free instead of limited in this box.

faith to believe

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 19:23:38 GMT

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."

Gail Devers

Oh the lyrical soul...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:47:39 GMT

"Say of him what you like, but I know my child's failings.

I do not love him because he is good but because he is my child.

How can you know how sweet he is, when all you do is measure the good and the bad?

When I punish him, he becomes even more a part of me.

When I make him weep, I weep with him.

I alone have the right to judge him for only he who loves may chastise"

- An Indian poet, Rabindranath Tagore, taken from 'Sepet'