i will not attribute it to my monthly visitor. i refuse. yet during this time of the month it makes the things i abhor, dislike, and disdain become more apparent, more pronounced. only now do i make it acquire a presence. my only thought being that the more it is left unsaid and misunderstood, the deeper the chasm divides what i believe is doing good and what i believe is good for me. sometimes i'm left speechless, not at a loss of words, but muted by other's expectations.

someone once told me that expectations are nothing, only guidelines, nothing more. to follow them would be folly and a dissipation of the genuine soul. once given in to expectations, then everyone else comes before you. at the end of the line you are put. how i've managed to demote myself..is hard...to admit ...because i've slacked off and let my disposition not reflect in my image.

i'm like a box...colorful, imaginable, enthuasiastic within...but on the outside...i've somehow managed to keep a presentation of a normal mundane brown box...a slash of black here and there to represent being used and tape here and there to show i've moved...but no one ever gets to the inside of me...because they never look past what their eyes tell them.

i've thought about it...and i've neglected my faith for too long. i say this because as a person i don't see achievement. and of what i said earlier it's something bothering me so much i need to let it out. i need to reflect on my faith again to gain the strength i need, and not run on reserves again :P

curious to what i believe in? i don't even really think it matters if i put a name to it because what i believe in is so many things put together , the blend is too rich to ignore.

do i believe in god? certainly. as a roman catholic i was raised to believe in jesus christ, all mighty savior. god, the almighty being. this is probably against the written faith, but to me god isn't above me in the heavens as everyone is to believe because a simple book built on narratives told them so.

god is within me...and everyone else around me. he is the life, the soul, the blood giving me pulse and thought. the tiny molecules and particles that create me. that is who i believe god is. neither he or she nor separate being. they were right in saying your body is a temple because it's where god is. god is your temple of worship, to whom you pray.

dont think i'm intolerant of true believers. i respect everyone's religious beliefs...what i don't tolerate is people of faith who force their opinions of faith on others - whether through attempting to convert them or plain speaking out against someone's religions. this is why when i think of all the quarreling between religions its fuckin ridiculous. look at the holy ground in the fertile cresent, its being wasted because they want to control dirt and rock for two different saviours. but i understand why theyre so adamant to keep it...it makes sense to fight for what you believe but sometimes people can never reach that understanding. they quarrel as stubborn cheating wives...

today i finished reading "the constant princess" and there was a part about her struggling with what she was raised to believe and what is true. moors, sworn mortal enemies to the spanish, stereotyped to be barbaric and savage. their muslim belief not tolerated. then she realized that they were being punished for pushing forward and not having the same exact beliefs, when in TRUTH they did believe. just because it's a different god doesnt mean they don't have faith. the moor doctor commented, they both had god in common, it didnt matter the name, they should be fighting against the unbelievers, those without faith (i dont agree with that but it makes sense)...omg why punish polytheists for their gods? they believe them so what?

GOD is a name given to one's beliefs. saint to confess to...Most people need god to look up to because it restores faith within them.

what i hate is people too weak to form their own faith in themselves...suckered into going into conventions to listen to speakers they believe care about god and truly want to inspire faith and spirituality. people are too ignorant and too absorbed to believe those individuals would do harm...didn't you know they get paid >$$$ to speak?! to sway their audiences?! do you even know what they do with the money you drop in the til?!

its psychology. they want you to feel a bit guilty if you cant keep the church going.

BUT i understand...you need the security. the sense of belonging. the sense that god hears your prayers and song. the sense you are living life, your destiny...which was planned for you from the start.

.............

ahhh but faith isn't my problem. being a good diplomat is my dilemma, and i fear the first steps i take lead me to danger of conflict...i shouldnt believe i have any obstacles...but i do and thats something i need to work on...

anyways my heart bleeds on my sleeve... he doesn't take notice.

I gotta find me another way
Cause I don’t wanna stay another day
Time for a change in my mind
I’v opened my eyes I’m changing my life
And now I’m gonna live my life for me
Cause this aint how it’s supposed to be
No more standing in the back of the line
Cause I’m invisible for the last time

__jenniferhudson//invisible